I went into hiding the hurtfulness in me again and again.

I never once forget my priorites.I did my work.and do what I am supposed to.

but I failed in a certain aspect.the feeling that disrupts my feeling overall.
a few times,I nearly fell.I dont know how to believe in myself to go through all obstacles.
seeing light seems impossible.no.I meant tough,Its so dark out there.I am blinded by the strong sun.I feel like I am knocking walls everyday trying to find my way out of the tunnel.
Yes.my few close friends see me moving on.but the journey of moving on..seems like its going to make me break down.remaining too calm isnt a good thing afterall.supressing emotions..does it helps.
there are so many questions that need answers.
they are racing through my mind in an endless twirl that seemingly seeks to dissipate my will to go on..
alot.alot.its beyond words.
I am frail when it concerns matters of the heart.
why cant I speak freely like the way I do in the past.
why.
I need to pull myself togather now..even if I say so..my heart still feels terrible now.
I feel.we as humans..always tell ourselves we know what we are doing..or why are we coming to this decision..we are in fact just trying to assure ourselves what might be wrong MUST be correct..
alot of times.I cannot understand my actions or words.
did everything happened really happened for a reason.

I cant restrain my emotions now.

by holding back too much..is it good..
by trying to open up more..does it really made one weaker..
I am like a lost lamb in the vast horizon.
I told myself.I reminded myself.I am not supposed to give up hope even the journey seem really exhausting..
but I really fear.everytime I boost up the confidence in me.the level somehow doesnt stays.dropped.and rise.to not give up and persevere will things turn out differently..
should I wait till the day to regret and tell myself I came back too late..
but by persevering..am I causing alot of stress to him..without my existence..will he feels better..?without me disrupting his life..will he feel happier..without me talking so much..will he feel more relaxed..without me..will he see light someday..and find someone better than me..whos more worthy of his love..who will help him walk out of the darkness..without me,will he be leading a more joyful life..and doing things he wanted to..maybe by not seeing me..he wont feel so troubled..he wont have to think of how to smile..and convinced me that hes fine..without me..everything will be more positive for him..am i right..i dont know.i dont have an answer.
If the answer for all is a Yes..how will I feel..

a tissue paper is needed again.I teared,now.

sometimes..I am at a loss for words..and speechless just take me away..

I want to talk to you..I want to know how you feel..and everything..I want to help..but will you ever let me enter..will you talk to me..I am not given a chance..
this feeling brings me back to the past.I am not given a chance.now too.and in the future..I guessed will be the same too..i dont even see future anyway.I have shut it.others can never get in..
I really love someone with all my heart.but will he trust me and have faith in me.I am afraid of hurt.but I am willing to give happiness to someone I loved.without asking anything for return.but i know the chance wont be given to me.maybe to someone else in the future..

longing.missing.reminscing.sadness.painfulness.my heart only tells me one thing.you love him too much.and yes.i dont deny.

BUT.I again reminded myself.we are friends now..

I often asked myself..when a couples are togather..they should help one another to resolve problems..to work it out..or should they just give up..




Its already coming to two months..




am I really happy.a tough smile I have been carrying it around..




you?
hoping you will enjoy your valentine..
guessed the gift I got it from taiwan..I can never have the chance to pass it to you..
hoping the stress in you can go away soon..
will always remember what you said..you will not let go unless I let go..
but by remembering that..I feel very hurtful..because..I feel you seem to be letting go of me..




never think that I will move on happier without having you around..
never think that by not communicating much with me..i will feel better..




I really do wonder..




do you realise..
deep inside me..I am feeling so hurtful..when I am treated this way..




how long more can I hold on.
my tears went out of control.and my eye are red now.
guessed I am tired now..
shall turn in..

First of all,I would like to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year! moo moo! I am sorry that the grettings came a little bit late.hehe.

getting to meet all cousins and relatives were great.Jadon is going to be three years old this coming August.hes getting more cheeky.hahas.running to me..going so near to my face wanting to kiss my lips.hahas.but hes cute la.very sweet boy boy.hehe.
saw nicholas(19),glen(20),bjorn(18).oh my..they are getting more and more handsome..hahas.and their height all arounbd 180 to 185.goodness.this is crazy.and here,I would like to defend myself.that is I am not short.I am not a dwarf.say it again and you are at risk! hahas. 160 okay ma? Hor? =P
and they are only 18,19 and the other one 20.so tall.madness.we were discussing about jcs and nafa.then I remembered..1 used to be from victoria jc..the other anglo chinese jc and the youngest one..taking his A levels this year Catholic jc.they were all praising their own school.so how can i miss out mine,isnt it?hahas.
seriously..they always feel they are perfect guys..who have the skin colour..the figure..the looks and the brain.I agree to a certain extend la.hahas.and they always insist they are GOOD GUYS. *Faint*
okay.just a joke..we do joke if we are not cousins..how nice it will be huh.lol.then we can be togather..but we ran out of topics la..so yarhs..just finding something to talk..hahahahahas.
one of my cousins was chatting with me about relationships.then he mentioned I should get myself a boyfriend.and reason is because I am 20.hahas.crazy.say I need to settle down..and etc..and somemore plan for me.lol.bua tahan.then he told me how he broke up with his ex.and etc.a very nice cousin. =)
hmm.emotions suddenly went round and round in my mind.not knwoing how to answer.when he asked me..so are you attached? and etc.hmm this questions seems very hard to avoid..because alot of people will always asked.as usual,I will smile and not answer anything..
hmm then this cousin of mine continued to chat..and went to reminisce the past.hahas.telling me about younger times..how noisy I am..and etc...lol..I cant even really remember..but feel quite happy when he say I have quietened down compared to the past..though I am still that active and chatty.hahas.
hmm..went to ym mum and dad side..realised all cousins loved to play blackjack..so being forced to join in..I am happy I won! hahas.
now moving on to mum side..besides playing balckjack..they introduced me to cheater.hahas.and they play board games AGAIN. hahas.quite fun la.what uno spin.what disney monopoly.everyone just scream and scream.lol.very excited..hahas..they can play and play the same board games..if you get to see them everyday..my god..not tired at all one..hahas.
hmm..red packets is not the main focus here..I believed seeing everyone in harmony is something worth to be joy for. =))
lately a little slack for my projects..hmm..must add more oil..
I want but that little black skirt! hehe.and etc..hehehehehhee......
video production going to do reports and act out play already! wheee.hopefully it will be fun.. ;)
not feeling very well today..let the power of mind..help me regain all strength.. =))
and going to visit pharmacy today or tomorrow..hmm~




welcome back..
but dont haunt me anymore I beg you.
If this continues..I will break down soon..
I am trying very hard to control myself and not let any of my words hurt you..
why arent you letting me off.
why must you hurt me again and again.
what should i do before all these end.
let me have a good impression of you..can I?
let me remember the good times.and forget the bad times.
please.
dont hurt me anymore..I dont wish to cry.
If you really care..then dont hurt me.
by haunting me everyday,you are not caring for me..
you are forcing me to accept..your decisions..
you know thats impossible..
if you didnt tell me the big lie..if you didnt ruined the second chance we gave one another..to make the relationship last..and if you didnt treat my efforts of salvaging the relationship as rubbish..and etc etc..we may have last it till now..years have passed..let it go..its too too too hurtful for me to say anything more now..
please..please let me off..
I am just a girl..ordinary girl..I just want everything to be simple..I dont want hurt..I am very afraid of hurt..Very.
dont try to asure yourself what might be wrong must be correct.you are only ruining everything..
she is waiting for you..
treasure what you have..and you will see happiness.

I dont know why I have the urge to reminisce the past..hmm well..I dont know where the long long ago photos are..guess its somewhere at home..hahas..hmm..the photos I have uploaded now were two years back till now~guess everyone matured now..?meaning look older? =X
I thank everyone for giving me really wonderful memories.. =) from the bottom of my heart..thanks so much so much.. =)

when I didnt know he is actually away because he is busy..feeling so worried..that my mind is crushed to think properly..leaving with my heart that works..but all it tells me is he meant alot to me..but I have to know he is my friend..