I went into hiding the hurtfulness in me again and again.

I never once forget my priorites.I did my work.and do what I am supposed to.

but I failed in a certain aspect.the feeling that disrupts my feeling overall.
a few times,I nearly fell.I dont know how to believe in myself to go through all obstacles.
seeing light seems impossible.no.I meant tough,Its so dark out there.I am blinded by the strong sun.I feel like I am knocking walls everyday trying to find my way out of the tunnel.
Yes.my few close friends see me moving on.but the journey of moving on..seems like its going to make me break down.remaining too calm isnt a good thing afterall.supressing emotions..does it helps.
there are so many questions that need answers.
they are racing through my mind in an endless twirl that seemingly seeks to dissipate my will to go on..
alot.alot.its beyond words.
I am frail when it concerns matters of the heart.
why cant I speak freely like the way I do in the past.
why.
I need to pull myself togather now..even if I say so..my heart still feels terrible now.
I feel.we as humans..always tell ourselves we know what we are doing..or why are we coming to this decision..we are in fact just trying to assure ourselves what might be wrong MUST be correct..
alot of times.I cannot understand my actions or words.
did everything happened really happened for a reason.

I cant restrain my emotions now.

by holding back too much..is it good..
by trying to open up more..does it really made one weaker..
I am like a lost lamb in the vast horizon.
I told myself.I reminded myself.I am not supposed to give up hope even the journey seem really exhausting..
but I really fear.everytime I boost up the confidence in me.the level somehow doesnt stays.dropped.and rise.to not give up and persevere will things turn out differently..
should I wait till the day to regret and tell myself I came back too late..
but by persevering..am I causing alot of stress to him..without my existence..will he feels better..?without me disrupting his life..will he feel happier..without me talking so much..will he feel more relaxed..without me..will he see light someday..and find someone better than me..whos more worthy of his love..who will help him walk out of the darkness..without me,will he be leading a more joyful life..and doing things he wanted to..maybe by not seeing me..he wont feel so troubled..he wont have to think of how to smile..and convinced me that hes fine..without me..everything will be more positive for him..am i right..i dont know.i dont have an answer.
If the answer for all is a Yes..how will I feel..

a tissue paper is needed again.I teared,now.

sometimes..I am at a loss for words..and speechless just take me away..

I want to talk to you..I want to know how you feel..and everything..I want to help..but will you ever let me enter..will you talk to me..I am not given a chance..
this feeling brings me back to the past.I am not given a chance.now too.and in the future..I guessed will be the same too..i dont even see future anyway.I have shut it.others can never get in..
I really love someone with all my heart.but will he trust me and have faith in me.I am afraid of hurt.but I am willing to give happiness to someone I loved.without asking anything for return.but i know the chance wont be given to me.maybe to someone else in the future..

longing.missing.reminscing.sadness.painfulness.my heart only tells me one thing.you love him too much.and yes.i dont deny.

BUT.I again reminded myself.we are friends now..

I often asked myself..when a couples are togather..they should help one another to resolve problems..to work it out..or should they just give up..




Its already coming to two months..




am I really happy.a tough smile I have been carrying it around..




you?
hoping you will enjoy your valentine..
guessed the gift I got it from taiwan..I can never have the chance to pass it to you..
hoping the stress in you can go away soon..
will always remember what you said..you will not let go unless I let go..
but by remembering that..I feel very hurtful..because..I feel you seem to be letting go of me..




never think that I will move on happier without having you around..
never think that by not communicating much with me..i will feel better..




I really do wonder..




do you realise..
deep inside me..I am feeling so hurtful..when I am treated this way..




how long more can I hold on.
my tears went out of control.and my eye are red now.
guessed I am tired now..
shall turn in..